


Lamentation

by blue_pointer



Series: A Glorious Retelling [10]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, In Ruins, M/M, Men Crying, Near Death Experiences, Reunions, Some Action, Vaxmore, bisexual disaster Vax, oh doe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26674333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/blue_pointer
Summary: When Vox Machina finds Gilmore in the ruins of Emon, he is mostly dead (by Princess Bride standards). And tragedy won't allow Vax to hide his feelings anymore.
Relationships: Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan, Vax'ildan & Vex'ahlia (Critical Role)
Series: A Glorious Retelling [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975831
Comments: 12
Kudos: 42





	1. This Is Fine

**Author's Note:**

> If you missed Gilmore fighting Thordak to the death, you can find it here: [A Song with No Name](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26539546/chapters/64691788)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Gilmore lies dying somewhere in Emon, Vox Machina finally leave Greyskull Keep to go looking for him. But can they find Gilmore in time?

Everything was fine. Dragons had attacked the city, but they’d survived. Vax had even slept some. Sure, his sleep had been plagued with nightmares, but what else was new? His sister and the others didn’t look much better as they gathered over sad refugee breakfast to make a plan. 

Everything was fine. Or so Vax was able to tell himself until they came out of the secret tunnel into the temple district. The destruction and desolation that stretched out before them was like nothing he could have imagined. And all of those poor townspeople... Vax had to look away as Vex’ahlia and Keyleth tried to heal their frozen corpses. It was too much. That clawing feeling at the back of his throat was back. And it didn’t improve as they moved further into the city amidst plumes of black smoke and still smoldering building fires having to step over charred bodies. 

Everything was fine. Until Vax saw the smoking ruin of Gilmore’s Glorious Goods up ahead and the looters casually picking through what was left as if it were an open air flea market. Vax had so many good memories of that shop. The things he’d learned about himself there. The times they’d spent together. If Gilmore were alive, he’d never have allowed looters to rifle through the rubble like this. That realization broke him. 

Vax lost his shit, casting aside stealth and rushing forward to protect the charred remains of Gilmore’s memory. “Get the **fuck** out of here!” he shouted at the looters. “Get out!”

One blaggard digging casually through the ruins of Gilmore’s glory had the nerve to talk back to Vax. “Hey, get your own shit, alright?” 

His dagger of life-stealing was in Vax’s fingers as fast as he could think it. “Move on now!” Vax brandished the blade to show he meant business. “Now!” Every drop of blood in his body was screaming for vengeance. “Now!” 

“Look, we’re all just trying to stay alive here, okay?” The man did not seem to be getting the hint. So Percy drew his gun. 

“You heard the man.” In front of Percy, Grog drew Craven Edge, and Keyleth’s fists erupted in flame. 

“Don’t test us,” Vex warned, stepping up behind her twin brother, seeing his entire body trembling with grief and rage. An awkward verbal exchange followed, during which all parties showed they were prepared to fight, the looters over the claim, and Vox Machina over what it represented. 

“Look, we saw this first,” the leader growled. “We’re going to bring it to him and save ourselves.” 

That complete strangers should be going through Gilmore’s things at all, much less claiming it as their right; Vax could no longer contain his rage. “I’ll fucking gut you like a fish!” he shouted.

Vax was about to rush forward and engage, but Vex’ahlia put a hand on his shoulder. “Stop.” 

“And take your innards--” Vax continued as if Vex hadn’t spoken. Vex’ahlia’s hold on her brother was the only thing keeping him from following through with his threat. 

“Stop.” 

“--out your mouth!” Vex’ahlia tried to put her hand over his mouth, but Vax was not having it, shaking her hand off. “I will _not_ stop!” He flicked an angry glance at her before returning to glare at the looters.

“Stop.” She looked at the leader. “You will take it to him?” 

“Who’s him?” Keyleth asked. 

“Thordak?” Vex’ahlia asked.

Vax tuned out the cross-talk then. Something about appeasing the dragon. He watched as the looter’s compatriots moved to close them in, preparing for an attack. Vax didn’t care. He felt a deep-seated need to eviscerate every last one of them. If they were lining up for slaughter, so much the better. 

And their leader was having none of Vex’ahlia’s attempt to persuade them to loot elsewhere. “You know, it may be stupid, but there are other stupid things in this town. Like walking into the middle of an ambush, dear.” 

Vax heard the dagger whistle past his sister’s ear, ending the negotiations. He was just sorry Percy blew the leader’s head off before Vax could get to him. Everything happened quickly, then. Vex’ahlia fired a barrage of arrows and then there was a volley of attacks by the looters. Vax deflected a mace blow with his daggers, disemboweling his would-be attacker and swinging around Grog to stab the rogue behind him. 

Grog smiled down at the woman left in front of him. “ _Please._ **Run**.” A dark light shone in his eyes as he drew the blade of Lord Briarwood’s sword across his palm. Vax could have sworn he saw the steel absorb Grog’s blood. Behind them, Keyleth called lightning down on the asshole who had dared attack her and land a hit. Trinket suddenly expanded back to his full size, taking off the head of the looter stupid enough to attack an armored bear. The eight of them made fairly quick work of all the looters, just as Vex’ahlia had warned they would. Vax couldn’t say he was sorry. 

Just as they finished, thunder rumbled softly in the clouds overhead, and a gentle rain began to fall. Vex’ahlia moved into the wreckage of the store, looking carefully for any sign of Gilmore. Vax felt physically ill. The clawing at the back of his throat was making him certain he would vomit sooner than later. He was not mentally prepared for what his sister was looking for or about to find inside the ruin of the shop. So Vax grabbed the last remaining looter by the collar and carried him out of sight of the others. His blood rage sated for the moment, the familiar depression was starting to take its place. Vax was content to knock out the looter and partly hide him in the rubble for later. 

Finally out of ways to procrastinate, Vax’ildan walked through the ruined walls of Gilmore’s Glorious Goods to help his sister, picking up bits of wall and pushing aside waterfalls of broken glass from where the display cases had once stood. “Don’t touch anything,” Vex’ahlia instructed the others as they slowly wandered in. “I’m investigating.” Vax did his best to assist without really looking at anything. The moment he focused on a charred case of burned books, his imagination would begin conjuring images of what must have happened to Gilmore if his precious inventory looked like this. And there was so little left. Looters had clearly been and gone while Vox Machina had been sleeping safe in the keep last night. Vax swallowed heavily. He was going to be sick. If only they’d come last night...

It was Scanlan who found the beaded curtain first, the one that had once led to Gilmore’s bedroom. It had been torn apart by falling rock. They needed Grog’s strength to move the stone of the collapsed archway enough for anyone to squeeze into the room beyond. Slipping inside, Vax clenched his teeth so hard, the muscles in his jaw jumped. Gilmore’s bedroom had been completely destroyed, his bed crushed under the weight of the second floor collapsing on top of it. Vax was having a hard time breathing. If anyone had been lying in that bed when the upper floor had fallen through… 

Seeing this hurt worse than any physical wound. This room had become such an important place of solace for Vax, the inner sanctum of an unspoken religion crucial to his mental and emotional health. He felt gutted. In a flash of hellfire, it had all been swept away. As the rest of the party entered behind him, looking around in horror, the rain began to come down harder, as if sensing Vax’s mood. There was no sign of Gilmore, but Vax couldn’t help but note that no one could have survived this. He raised his cowl, not needing to share his emotions with the rest of the group right now. 

Vax was so lost in his feelings, he didn’t notice when Vex dropped to her knees at the foot of Gilmore’s bed. “Help me with this!” she shouted, shoving at the shattered frame, trying to get at something underneath. “There’s a door.” That got Vax’s attention. Feeling numb, he wandered over to watch Grog and his twin struggle to uncover a hidden floor tile. What on earth? Had that always been there? 

When talk of loot drew Vex’ahlia’s attention away from the trap door, Vax followed, feeling hollow. Standing here in all that was left of Gilmore’s life was too painful. Feeling overwhelmed, Vax began to dissociate.


	2. Oro Supplex et Acclinis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vex'ahlia uncovers a secret about Gilmore's bedroom that even her brother didn't know, and Vax'ildan cries. A lot.

**Kneeling, Humble, I Pray**

Opening the secret hatch under Gilmore’s bed, Vex’ahlia peered inside, expecting to find a hidden cache of gems or valuable magical objects. But to her surprise, the space below stretched far, far down. And there was a dim light beyond. It was a room. An entire secret room hidden beneath the shop. Vex’ahlia was not prepared when a disheveled woman climbed up toward her, threatening, “Whoever you are, leave. Run away, or I swear I’ll kill you!” Was that a paring knife she was holding?

Keyleth looked around at the others. “Sherri,” she guessed, unable to see the figure waving a knife at Vex. 

“Sherri?” Vex’ahlia asked, but the wild-eyed woman didn’t look like Sherri. 

“Sherri?” Scanlan tried to see past all the tall people to try and identify his girlfriend below. But the frightened woman was not responding to Sherri’s name, and thrust the small knife toward Vex to show she meant business. 

“Don’t attack,” Vex’ahlia pleaded, not wanting to harm the woman, who looked to be more victim than predator. 

“Sherri, it’s us!” Scanlan called out, seeing the glint of the blade in the darkness below.

“Did you work here?” Vex asked her quickly. “We’re looking for Gilmore.”

The woman paused, uncertain, finally calling back over her shoulder, “Sherri?” 

A familiar figure stepped into the view framed by the trap door above. Sherri was covered in soot, and her face and arm had been badly burned. “My god,” she said, recognizing Vex’ahlia and Scanlan peering over her shoulder. “Come in, quick. Please.” 

One by one, they descended the makeshift ladder. At the last moment, Vex realized Trinket would not fit. Reluctantly, she ordered him to stay and watch over their unconscious prisoners. He was such a good bear, standing alone in the pouring rain. _Oh doe._ She hated to leave him behind.

Upon climbing down into the secret room, it took Vex’ahlia’s eyes a few seconds to adjust. When they did, she suddenly recognized the desperate woman who had initially threatened them as Empress Salda. “Empress! Is Uriel down here? Did you make it out? The children!” 

As haggard and frightened as Salda looked, it was no wonder none of them had recognized her at first. “The children…” Salda began, gesturing at three smaller figures huddled further back in the room. Vex was relieved to see they looked alright, actually. They might even have been playing a game. The children glanced over as Vox Machina climbed down into the secret room, their expressions brightening at the sight of the heroes. “I don’t believe my husband made it,” Salda finished with some difficulty. Vex’ahlia regretted having asked her. “But we’re alive,” the empress finished.

“Did you see him fall?” Vax asked, insensitive manchild that he was. Vex was just about to elbow him in the ribs, but she noticed the ruddy cheeks and watery eyes her brother had been trying to hide under his cowl and thought better of it. 

* 

“...no.” Empress Salda glanced back to the far corner of the room, and Vax’ildan followed her gaze to a pile of rags, or maybe it was a discarded carpet lying in the corner. Wait, was that a pool of blood underneath? “He...he saved us,” Salda said, with a look of resigned sadness.

At his elbow, Vex’ahlia gasped in horror. That was no pile of rags, that was _Gilmore_. Grog’s jaw dropped, and Keyleth covered her mouth with her hand. 

For a split-second, Vax felt frozen in place. This couldn’t be. It couldn’t. Last night, losing Gilmore had seemed easy to come to terms with in the wake of traumatic events. Now, every fiber of Vax’ildan’s being was fighting against the possibility. He ran to Gilmore, closely examining the prone figure for any sign of life. Vax’s first instinct was to take Gilmore into his arms, but he was afraid to pick up the mage before he knew if it might do additional injury. Vax slid his hand beneath Gilmore’s chin, stroking the dark-stubbled jaw with his thumb as he checked for flow of breath. Fingers shaking, Vax cradled Gilmore’s face with his other hand. The bronze undertones were gone, Gilmore’s once umber skin ashen. But Vax felt sweat on his cheek, and Gilmore’s skin was feverishly warm to the touch. He was alive. Vax had no words. He glanced to the others for help. 

“Pike!” Vex’ahlia cried from behind him. 

“Pike!” Grog echoed, looking back over his shoulder for his friend. 

“Pike!” Keyleth called out, scared, not quite knowing what was going on. 

“What?” Stuck behind all of the taller members, Pike couldn’t see a thing. 

Vax looked down at the wound Gilmore’s arm had been partly obscuring. There was no doubt in his mind it was critical. And there was so much blood. Vax had killed enough people to know, when a man lost this much blood, his odds of survival were slim. But it was hard to be clinical right now. Where the hell was Pike? They could lose Gilmore at any second. “Pike! Pike! Pike! Keyleth! Come over here!” Vax shouted for them, unable to take his eyes off of Gilmore, willing him to stay alive long enough for one of the healers to come over. Hearing Vax panic, the whole group began to panic behind him. Why had they stayed at the keep last night? Vax asked himself again. _Why?_

*

Vex’ahlia moved aside to let Pike in, watching her kneel down beside Gilmore on the opposite side of Vax’ildan.

“It’s going to be alright,” Vax told Gilmore, cradling the mage’s head against his chest. It was perhaps the sweetest thing Vex’ahlia had ever seen. With the mostly-dead Gilmore in his arms, her brother was transformed. No longer reckless death-dealer, but worried lover and protector. “Pike is here. It’s going to be alright,” Vax murmured to Gilmore. “It’s going to be alright.” Vex suspected her brother was saying it as much for himself as for Gilmore. “Gil?” he asked, looking down at the man in his arms. But Gilmore was fully unconscious, and fading fast. “Pike...hurry, Pike,” Vax whimpered. Vex’ahlia couldn’t take her eyes off her twin. She’d never seen her brother like this. 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Pike flapped her hands, nervous, preparing to concentrate. Vex’ahlia knew Pike would be able to save Gilmore, but everything was moving so slowly. Her heart breaking for Vax, Vex’ahlia knelt down to help Pike any way she could. 

*

Vax could feel Gilmore slipping away from him. As his sister, Keyleth, and Pike all worked together to try to stabilize Gilmore, Vax began to sob, quietly, terrified. This couldn’t be happening. Why the fuck had they rested? Why hadn’t they left as soon as Keyleth had found Gilmore’s fading life force in the city last night? “Stay with me,” he begged Gilmore, softly.

Pike closed her eyes and stretched out her arm, and Sarenrae’s holy light began to fill Gilmore’s body, lifting him out of Vax’s arms. Vax watched, transfixed, as the gaping wound in his guts began to knit closed. He was ready when the holy power left Gilmore’s body, and he came back down to earth. Vax pulled Gilmore into his lap, holding him as tightly as he dared, for Gilmore was still gravely injured. After this, there was no way Vax was going to let Gilmore go ever again. 

“Is he alright?” Sherri ran up to ask, slipping her glasses back on, for she had been crying just as hard as Vax. “Is he alright?” 

“I think so,” Vax said, looking up at her, nodding. “Think so.” 

Reassured that Gilmore was no longer at death’s door, Sherri turned on the stranger in their midst, warning Garthok to keep his distance. Vax couldn’t blame her, all things considered. Right now, he was ready to shank anyone who came within five feet of Gilmore. 

The children, Vox Machina, Sherri and Salda gathered around Gilmore, and Vax holding him, a living Pietà. All was quiet. For Vax, it was as if no one else was in the room. “Hey.” He smoothed Gilmore’s singed hair back from his face, speaking gently to him. “Hey.” After far too long, Gilmore coughed and began to regain consciousness. Vax tried to smile and realized he was still crying. 

When Gilmore’s beautiful dark eyes opened, they were only for Vax. “Well, that’s always what I assumed I’d see in my last moments.”

“Bad day, huh?” Vax asked, a pitiful attempt at normalcy, his voice breathless. 

“Strangely enough, I’m pretty sure I’ve had worse.” Vax couldn’t understand how Gilmore was still alive, but he was so grateful that he was. This had been too close. With Gilmore back, Vax felt like the sun had returned from the Underworld, weak but life-giving. Now Vax could breathe again. 

“No offense, darling, but you look like shit,” Vex told him, joking. Clearly he and his sister both were terrible at dealing with emotional moments. 

Gilmore chuckled, weakly, coughing, and Vax wanted to yell at her not to get him worked up. “We can’t have that, can we?” Vax watched in awe as Gilmore began to cast a spell in order to rectify his appearance. What was he doing?

“Gilmore,” Keyleth warned. 

“No,” Vex'ahlia begged, reaching out to stop him, taking Gilmore’s hand just as he began to cough and lose the spell. 

“Just give it--give it time. Give it time,” Vax begged him. Gilmore needed to rest. It didn’t matter what he looked like. To Vax he would always be glorious. 

“You need to rest,” Keyleth said. 

But it was Gilmore. Once he’d ensured they were in fact alive, and not all together in the afterlife, he was going to speak. Vax wondered as Gilmore told them he’d been so worried, he’d gone back for them. He felt sick. Gilmore had gone back for **them**? They’d known he was out here and just left him. And yet he’d been worried about _them_. 

When Gilmore began to cough again, Vax turned to his sister. “Can you do anything?” He needed more healing. Vax was going to take no more chances. But Gilmore assured her Pike’s healing had been enough, and thanked both of them. “You’ve certainly earned your name today, Gilmore,” Vax told him reverently. 

But for once, Gilmore would accept no compliment. Feverishly, he told how he’d looked for them everywhere, how he should have saved more people, how he’d even gone to the dragon, fearing they’d confronted Thordak themselves. Vax couldn’t quite wrap his head around that one. The lone middle-aged shopkeep against a giant dragon? He’d done that...for Vax? Something inside Vax broke. Even after the way Vax had treated him, Gilmore loved him so much, he’d fought a dragon. For him. Vax couldn’t process it. His brain was in shock. 

Vex’ahlia looked almost as guilty as Vax felt, apologizing that they hadn’t waited for Gilmore. Through everything, it was clear Gilmore had had their health and welfare in mind. This couldn’t be real. No one was that generous. Gilmore was like some kind of beneficent semi-divine being. And he loved Vax. _Why?_

He was only half-listening as Gilmore described an anomaly in Thordak’s chest armor, proof--as if his injuries weren’t enough--that he’d been up close and personal with the dragon. Vax had no words. It was a miracle Gilmore was alive. Gilmore himself was a miracle. Vax’s arms tightened around him. He did not deserve to be loved by someone like Gilmore. But there was no arguing with the facts. 

Vax thought about their mother, reminded of his nightmare last night, how Thordak had taken her from them. And now that very same dragon had almost taken Gilmore as well. Vax swore there and then, he would be the one to kill Thordak. 

When Gilmore finally stopped talking and asked for water, to everyone’s shock, Grog offered Gilmore a potion. Gilmore chuckled--though weakly--and somehow found the strength for a half-decent flirt. Vax took it as a sign he would be alright. “I’m not going to lie,” Gilmore told Grog with a sultry look. “I’m quite touched by your concern, Grog. It’s flattering.” The goliath ducked his head. It seemed even hyper-masculine Grog was not immune to Gilmore’s charms. Vax had to say, though, it was maybe the smartest thing Grog had ever done, because Gilmore was able to get to his feet afterwards, with Sherri and Vax propping him up on either side. He was a tall bastard. How had Vax forgotten?

As they were preparing to leave, Scanlan, true to form, just came out and asked Gilmore point blank if he was a dragon. Vax didn’t really believe Scanlan’s theory, but all the same, he watched Gilmore’s answer very closely. After all, he had just admitted to them he’d single-handedly dueled a dragon, and that didn’t sound like a mortal feat. Of course Gilmore said no, and Vax couldn’t help but laugh at his response. He certainly would have made a sexy dragon. But Vax was happy to have him back in any form at this point. 

While he focused on Gilmore, everyone else hatched plans to retrieve treasure and negotiate with the Clasp. Vax was impatient, eager to get Gilmore home so that he could rest properly. He could hardly believe his ears when Vex’ahlia declared she was off to get the stolen treasure; then again, it was Vex. The trouble was, Vax needed to be here with Gilmore, to ensure that he got back to the keep safely. But he couldn’t let his twin go out into the ruined city alone. Why was she forcing him to make this decision? _Goddammit._ “I don’t want to go, but I’m not leaving you,” he told Vex’ahlia, angrily. Vax reluctantly handed Gilmore off to Keyleth, telling his sister, “I’m not happy.”

“Well then don’t be pissy about it.” Clearly Vex thought she could do this recon on her own. 

But she was wrong. Vax wouldn’t risk losing her.“I’m not leaving you.” 

Perhaps out of guilt, Vex’ahlia told Gilmore they were doing this for him, to get back his stolen goods and gold, but that was clearly a lie. Vax listened quietly as Gilmore humored her, because he was so clearly a better human being than all of them. Vax hated to leave Gilmore, but Vex’ahlia was giving him no choice. 

Looking grim and sullen, Vax followed his sister up the ladder. Keyleth grabbed his hand before he could go, and Vax suddenly remembered: he’d told her he was in love with her and would wait for her. Clinging to and weeping over Gilmore must have made him look a liar. All the same, Vax was in no emotional state to have this discussion with her right now. “I have to go, Keyleth. I have to.” He pulled away from her and disappeared. 

*

When they finally returned to the keep, empty-handed, Vex’ahlia let him take dishonest credit with Kiki for having talked his sister out of going after the treasure. Vax felt like there was a hidden message in Keyleth’s hug, but he didn’t know what it was. Gilmore had almost died. This was no time to be confused about his feelings. 

Vax found Gilmore resting on a bed that had been moved into the basement temple of Sarenrae. But all of the refugees were here. This was unacceptable; Gilmore needed his own room, a quiet place where he had the best chance of recovery. Vax went to find Percy, bullying him until de Rolo pulled rank and demanded Gilmore be moved upstairs--to his own room, no less. Vax was thankful Percy was so easy to manipulate. 

Vax helped Pike get Gilmore settled, insisting on physically carrying Gilmore up the stairs himself. With his head lolling against Vax’s shoulder, he could tell Gilmore still had a fever. He needed uninterrupted sleep to break it, and that’s what he would get. Or else. 

They found clean sheets to put on Percy’s bed, and Vax made Gilmore as comfortable as he possibly could, gently propping him up on silk pillows and removing his burned robes before tucking him in. The whole time, Gilmore remained in a deep sleep which Pike assured him was an important part of the healing process, and nothing to worry about. Vax smoothed Gilmore’s hair back one last time and kissed his cheek, which was flushed a burnt sienna with fever. “Don’t you dare leave me again,” he whispered. “You hear me?” Vax knew Pike was watching, but he didn’t care. If there was one person in the world who wouldn’t judge him for this, it was Pike. Vax stood at the bedside for several minutes, his forehead pressed against Gilmore’s sweaty brow, just holding his hand, stroking Gilmore’s knuckles with his thumb. 

Finally, Pike said softly, “We should let him rest.” 

Vax nodded, reluctantly letting go of Gilmore’s hand and following Pike downstairs to join the others. As he was shutting the door behind him, Vax paused and looked back at the fragile figure lying there. “Rest well, you glorious bastard.” Gilmore would be fine, Vax told himself. He had to be. 


End file.
